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Posted by mom2Dundee on January 20, 2003 at 01:21:23:
In Reply to: Where do I begin greiving? posted by siamesewoman on January 06, 2003 at 17:19:14:
I am terribly sorry to hear about your painful loss and my prayers are with both you and Cocoa. Something you said really resonated with me - that you feel that you have betrayed your 'promise to always protect her.' My cat was killed by a car less than 2 weeks ago b/c of a foolish lapse in my judgement and I feel the same way - that I betrayed her. She was a rescue kitty - my first - and I told her every day that she is safe and that I would take care of her forever. Nine months after I adopted her, she is gone and I have myself to blame. In my case, I had her on a leash and she broke out of it (the collar was inappropriate and I knew it) - - she was typically an indoor-only cat but I knew she wanted to go outside and we live near a busy street. We had been out together just in front of the house numerous times and she was always laid back. Well, a noise scared her and she ran - I tried to grab her but she slipped out of my hands and broke away - ran directly into the street.
People have reminded me about something that I can only find sense and comfort in sometimes - my very special cat had her own mind - she knew what was best for her. I bought her numerous beds, yet she preferred to sleep in a box or in my bed. I tried to pick her up to protect her from the fright - and she bolted. Besides having her own mind, she acted just like cats act. And I had underestimated that. Cats run when they are scared - and in Cocoa's case, they roam and explore. You are not to blame for Cocoa doing what cats do.
I know it is gutwrenching to not know what happened to her and that will probably never go away. But I hope you can also think about the fact that you gave her as many nice memories as she gave you.